In Defense Of The Beer Batter: An Open Letter To The Hillsboro Mayor

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 has not been shy about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.

Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, we’ve decided that we’ll be sharing them with you, the masses, throughout the 2021 baseball season.

And so, here is the second missive from the man known simply as Bads85, the unofficial voice of you, the fan.

I write to you with grave concerns, Mr. Mayor. Grave concerns. I recently saw you disparage the Beer Batter on Twitter, which is grounds for a recall election in civilized cities. I find it hard to believe that you woke up on May 10th, 2021 with the desire to end your political career, so I suspect some sort of some hidden prejudice against cheap beer and fun rests just below the surface of your public demeanor.

Perhaps one reason for this is the Hops are a Diamondbacks’ affiliate, and Diamondback prospects have an extreme proclivity to strike out, so it gives you a BIG SAD when a Hop strikes out on the road, and the home fans erupt with glee as your batter slinks back to the dugout. Or perhaps you are worried that the poor Diamondbacks prospects’ feelings will get hurt. Steve, this is High-A Ball now, not some short season goat-rope league. Ballplayers need to be tough to get to the Bigs, and mayors passing out emotional participation trophies are a hindrance. Of course, most Diamondback prospects lack the talent to make a AA all star game, but you are arresting their development of a fine career in retail.

You maybe wondering just who I am. All you need to know for now is that as a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of minor league baseball, I am a higher law and order than you. The judge, jury, and executioner just rolled into Oregon. You best make amends rather quickly. You can start by making sure Ron Tonkin Field gets real outfield fences.

I heard you were on the Emeralds’ broadcast on Monday night. I missed that because I was watching the video stream of the Hops’ arguing about the color of the Hops’ home jersey. Steve, perhaps you should take those two to Sherman Williams to study some color samples so they know just what Carolina Blue is. Maybe you three can go to Applebee’s afterwords and split a 2 for $20 deal three ways while loading up on the beer cheese dip through a straw.

I saw a game a few years ago at Ron Tonkin, when Dansby Swanson was on the team before the Diamondbacks traded him for Shelby Miller. I found the concessions rather lacking, but the staff was friendly. The family was in town to see Hillsboro’s largest tourist attraction, the Roloff Farms. I think the Smith Berry Farm was closed that day. Hillsboro seemed quaint, a good place to send a doddering relative to live out his last few years. Imagine my surprise when I found out tonight it was an enclave who despises something as holy the Beer Batter even though they have a team named after a primary ingredient of beer. I must say, it make me want to root for AB InBev.

Mr. Mayor, your riposte has evoked a reckoning. You probably should explore avenues of contrition. I would start with ensuring that The Hold Steady’s “Killer Parties” is played at every Hops’ home game.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: A community that cannot savor the fruits of a Beer Batter is incapable of a PRIMAL SCREAM.