An Open Letter To The Emeralds GM: Deep Dive On The Promo Schedule

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 has not been shy about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.

Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, we’ve decided that we’ll be sharing them with you, the masses, throughout the 2021 baseball season.

In this newest missive, Bads takes a close look at the upcoming promo schedule and offers his (unsolicited) thoughts and suggestions.

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I hope you have been well in my absence. I took it upon myself as the unofficial Director of Marketing to immerse the Squatch brand on some of the finest golf courses in the Coastal South. It was not easy playing golf on these splendid courses, especially since I only have a black Squatch hat, but as you know, I am a giver, so with grim resolve I walked those manicured fairways. Oh, I did manage to squeeze in a game with the Myrtle Beach Pelicans and purchase a Pelicans’ jersey even though I have yet to receive an Emeralds’ jersey.

During my travels, I was able to peruse the Ems’ June promotion schedule, and I have questions, Allan. Serious questions. I am assuming my previous suggestions are being saved for laters dates when the seating capacity of PK Park is expanded due to the lifting of COVID restrictions.

1. There will be a re-celebration of Saint Patrick’s Day on Wednesday, June 23rd. Are you aware that the Irish might show up? I am assuming you will have extra security that night, but you should alert the local clergy also. “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I cannot wait to do it again” will be be an oft repeated refrain in the confessional booths. It is also What If Wednesday in which “Wednesdays give us a chance to look back and reflect on what could have been this past year.” Well, what if God had not invented booze? The Irish would rule the would, that is what.
2. Since The Ems will be rehashing old holidays that never were in 2020, I certainly hope there is an “El Día de los Muertos” Night, preferably during a Los Monarcas de Eugene game in July when I am there. You have not really lived, Allan, until you have done a Day of the Dead with Bads85. As the dude on the radio says, it is a treacherous road. Try not to crash.
3. Thursday, June 17th is National Mascot Day, which would be a fine time for Sluggo to be put to eternal rest so Squatch can claim his rightful position as the Ems’ Number One Mascot. Since the night before is a re-celebration of New Year’s Eve, perhaps the beloved Sluggo can have a fatal allergic reaction to a homemade hangover cure. I see you are honoring Douglas Fir that night, the mascot that is somewhat famous for getting kicked in the jewels on “Blue Balls Night" back in 2011. I challenge the Ems’ to do something as bold as “Blue Balls Night” in 2021. Make the young Allan Benavides proud.
4. Would the young Allan Benavides sign off on an 80’s Night like the Ems are doing on Friday June 18th? The 80’s really were not a simpler time. The dude who sang “Fat Bottomed Girls” also sang of growing up tall and proud in the shadow of the mushroom cloud. We were all waiting for the hammer to fall. Do not let Huey Lewis and the News whitewash what really went down with that “Power of Love” nonsense. We were young tigers, vibrant beasts who could feel their mortality with every heartbeat because of the geopolitics of the time. Golden were the days. Savage were the nights. Thankfully, John Rambo saved us all. Hopefully, you will have some of The Circle Jerks’ tunes on your playlist that night.

Let’s look to July, when I will be making my triumphant return to Eugene. What day would be the best for my parade? Knowing your nightly drink specials at PK Park would be helpful to my planning. Did you know the Stockton Ports have $1.00 beers on Thirsty Thursdays? The Pelicans might have some sort of $1.00 beers every night — they are kind of tight lipped about things with me. I am not sure they are over the Golden Bobblehead thing a few years ago. My name is all over that park now though, and the old guy who guards the elevator to suites absolutely loves me.

You probably should have Alex Stimson [Media Relations] interview me when I get into town — perhaps on a golf course. Or a bar. Have you guys established an Emeralds’ bar yet? Or are the after game parties all at Chris Bowers’ [Director of Corporate Events] house? Perhaps I can throw out a first pitch and get my picture taken with the Lord Emperor.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

You can find more missives and musings from the mind of Bads85 by visiting Bads85.com.