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Missive from Bads85: Office Space, Depoe Bay, and Booking Bands...

December 5, 2022

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large. Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.

Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, Allan Benavides executed a command decision and hired Bads85 as a full-time employee with the Ems for 2023 and beyond. Only time will tell if this was a brilliant decision, or sheer folly. In the meantime, Bads85 continues to share missives.

Dear Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I hope you are enjoying your time at Baseball’s 2023 Winter Meetings. Unfortunately, I was not able to attend this year because the tickets for Opening Week are not going to sell themselves. Duty before pleasure has always been my motto — well, at least since October 3rd, 2023, which was my employment date with the Ems.

I know you are resting easy knowing I am in charge at the home office while you are frolicking in San Diego. I went ahead and made some changes this morning that I think will increase the efficiency and productivity of our office. First of all, I fired that one young man who really does not do anything. I forget his name, but that is no longer important since he is gone. I told him you would write him a strong letter of recommendation for the US Marines. I figure we can use the savings from his salary to hire a buxom barmaid for our promotion meetings. Interviews start this afternoon.

Secondly, we rearranged the seating of our office space. I am sure you will be happy that your desk is now much closer to your parking space. I also upgraded the wi-fi and ordered some new computers for the staff. Hopefully the new electronic white board will be installed before you return. Since the noise from the installation is rather shrill, I have told the staff that we will work from The Cooler today. I ordered them “One of the Left Behind” t-shirts to bolster morale, and awarded everyone a thirteen percent raise because as you know, I am a giver.

I also contacted certain contractors about building an enclosed walkway over Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard to our parking lot so the staff does not have to worry about being flattened by speeding motorists who fail to respect the crosswalk. The walkway will also have a small coffee stand over the roadway. Barista interviews start tomorrow.

While you were flying to the Winter Meetings, I traveled to Depoe Bay, the whale watching capital of the Oregon coast, this weekend to gather more research for our still secret big promotion. I met a man who claimed to be the mayor, but I just found out the mayor of Depoe Bay is a woman, meaning the guy was mistaken. I should have known he was not legit when I asked him if he had a car, and he told me that he recently acquired one and that it is out back, but he probably should have changed the plates. All was not lost though as I created some important contacts that will certainly make our promotion a success.

I am also in the process of booking The Airborne Toxic Event to play PK Park sometime when the Ems are on the road this summer. I am in negotiations with The Smithereens to open for them. We cannot live on brick dust alone, Allan, especially since our stadium has synthetic turf. If this goes well, perhaps we can book The Gaslight Anthem and Cracker.

I am sure other MiLB front office staff are inquiring why I am not at the winter meetings with you. I hope you are diplomatically telling them that Bads85 is all about selling tickets and planning nights that will create lifelong memories, not pickling himself at an open bar like some savage that has never been to a convention before. Tell them I will see them soon down the road, and we will raise our glasses to comrades lost.

Hey, when you return, we really need to plan the company Cactus League trip. The World Baseball Classic is in Phoenix this year, so lodging will be in shorter supply.

See you upon your return to our revamped office.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I bet you miss me.