Missive from Bads85: Treadmills, Reality TV, and Prank Calls

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.

Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, Allan Benavides executed a command decision and hired Bads85 as a full-time employee with the Ems for 2023 and beyond. Only time will tell if this was a brilliant decision, or sheer folly. In the meantime, Bads85 continues to share missives.

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I have been employed by the Emeralds for over a week now, and have yet to see a television camera. I am pretty confident you are cognizant of the fact to that to produce a reality television show, filming must take place. We are missing the opportunity to capture valuable footage that will make us America’s sweethearts. Please allow me to rectify this. I know people in the industry.

My Fitbit has been telling me that I am not getting enough steps in at work, which might be affecting my mental well being. I think it would be best if the staff were to get treadmills at their desks. A healthy body can lead to a healthy mind, which increases worker productivity. Can we get a shower also? I do not care to work next to stinky people who forgo personal hygiene after a workout. Hydralyte drinks would be nice also, especially if we can mix them with some Tito’s.

Because of my lack of steps in the workplace over which you preside, I do go for long walks on the streets of Eugene after the desk shackles come off. People are so friendly here, and ask the most interesting questions like, “Will the Emeralds new reality TV show consist of real Ems’ front office workers? If not, which ruggedly handsome actor will play you?” Perhaps you can get the guy who runs your Twitter account to post a poll to see what actor Ems’ fans think should play Bads85.

Have you given anymore thought to my idea or re-enacting Civil War battles through the spectacle of paintball before Ems’ games this season? If we are willing to be a little bit flexible with historical accuracy, we could include some dinosaurs in our battles. I think children would be more likely to remember General William Tecumseh Sherman’s march if he were riding a T-Rex. Pickett’s Charge would be more interesting if the Union troops were firing behind brontosauruses instead of the standard earthworks of battlefields at the time. Paratroopers would bring the crowd to their feet also. You know, if Napoleon had employed paratroopers, the outcome might have been different at Waterloo.

Does our staff ever use burner phones to prank call other MiLB clubs? It would be hysterical to call a certain club in South Carolina, and profess our love for them when they answer, and tell them how much we miss them. When they ask who is calling, we start crying and to demand who else would love them and miss them. This gag works every time.

I have had about four Monster drinks tonight, so I am going to take a long walk under the moonlight. I bet you are very excited to go to work tomorrow, knowing I will be there to boost office morale.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Just how big is our petty cash fund? Asking for the employees in the corner cubicle.