Top 10 upcoming promotions

Mahoning Valley Scrappers (New York-Penn League) Unemployment Night, July 15
When unemployed, it's easy to get locked into a vicious cycle: You stay home to save money, but the lack of outside activity ultimately hinders productivity and does more harm than good. On Wednesday, the Scrappers are circumventing this conundrum by presenting their fans who are between jobs with a fun and productive evening away from the oppressive confines of the home. On "Unemployment Night," all jobless fans receive free admission to the ballpark. A pregame job fair will be set up on the concourse, and tips and tricks regarding how to land a job will be shown throughout the ballgame. This is multi-tasking at its best -- enjoying a ballgame on a summer evening while taking definitive steps toward a new era of gainful employment.

West Michigan Whitecaps (Midwest League)
Man vs. Fifth Third Burger, July 15
I first wrote about West Michigan's mammoth "Fifth Third Burger" in March, and my blog post on the subject was eventually picked up by a dizzying array of media outlets. Motivated by self-interest, I now write about the burger whenever possible. Such as now. Adam Richman, host of the Travel Channel's "Man vs. Food," will descend upon West Michigan on Wednesday with the foolhardy goal of devouring the burger in one sitting. To review: this mega-meal is five-thirds of a pound of meat and topped with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili and Fritos. Should Richman finish the monstrosity, he will be rewarded with a t-shirt that lists the burger's nutritional information -- it contains just 597 percent of one's daily recommended saturated fat intake.

Lehigh Valley IronPigs (International League)
Ballpark Wedding, July 16
Ballpark betrothal is fairly common around the Minor Leagues, but very few teams celebrate holy matrimony as thoroughly as the IronPigs. One lucky couple -- Kelly Johnson and Matthew Stoudt -- have been selected to receive an all-expenses-paid wedding within the festive confines of Coca-Cola Park. The team's players will wear special tuxedo theme jerseys, and the couple's reception will be incorporated into the in-game entertainment. Thus a robust crowd of nearly 10,000 fans will witness the couple cutting cake, hamming it up on the "Kiss Cam," throwing garter-wrapped soft-toss balls into the stands and enjoying their first dance. The crowd has not been invited to the honeymoon, however. Travel costs would be prohibitively expensive, especially given the current economic climate.

Lowell Spinners (New York-Penn League)
Rick and Dick Hoyt Bobblehead, July 16
The world is awash in "uplifting stories" of dubious merit, in which heartstrings are cynically pulled in an attempt to generate ratings and/or cash flow. That's why it's doubly refreshing to come across the story of Rick and Dick Hoyt, a father-son triathlon team with an unparalleled backstory. Rick, the younger Hoyt, is wheelchair-bound. He suffered brain damage at birth and was given virtually no chance of living anything resembling a normal life. But Dick has been racing with Rick for the past three decades, helping the latter to exceed all expectations about his ability to communicate and compete. On Thursday, the Spinners will be distributing 1,500 dual bobbleheads featuring this uplifting Massachusetts duo. It's hard to imagine a pair more deserving of this ultimate honor.

Tri-City ValleyCats (New York-Penn League)
Michelle Obama Bobblehead, July 16
The Minor Leagues have seen a spate of Barack Obama bobbleheads over the past year, but to my (often-flawed) knowledge this is the first time a team has honored the First Lady in such a manner. Therefore, Joe Bruno Stadium is sure to be packed with Michelle aficionados on Thursday, eager to score one of the season's most desirable politically themed undulating likenesses. As is often the case, the evening's giveaway is tied into a larger theme -- it's "Women in Business and Community Night" at the ballpark, featuring a pregame networking event. Another group sure to be in attendance is that subculture of calculating fans who procure in-demand bobbleheads in order to then sell them on eBay. It's the American way.

Jacksonville Suns (Southern League)
St. Patrick's Day in July, July 17
As we all know, Minor League teams will jump at any opportunity to celebrate an offseason hoilday during the season. The latest such example is the Suns' "St. Patrick's Day in July" promotion, which is taking place a mere eight months prior to the real thing. The first 3,000 fans in attendance receive a green Suns cap, causing many to ponder just what sort of world we would live in if the sun was actually green. But the most notable -- and un-P.C. -- event of the evening is the "Leprechaun Wrestling Match." Upon the conclusion of the night's fireworks display, costumed little people will duke it out in a ring set up on the field. These are the sort of memories that last forever.

Lakewood BlueClaws (South Atlantic League)
Bruce Springsteen Night, July 18
The Garden State is home to many a musical luminary, but no one looms larger than "The Boss." On Saturday, the Jersey-based BlueClaws will once again transform themselves into the "BruceClaws" as part of an all-encompassing tribute to the rock and roll legend. The team suits up in "BruceClaws" theme jerseys, which will be auctioned off for charity after the game. Additionally, the Springsteen-covering Billy Lawlor Band will play a set prior to the ballgame, and one lucky fan will win tickets to see Bruce at Giants Stadium in October. And of course, nothing but the Boss will be played over the PA all evening long. (But on this special evening, shouldn't they refer to it as the NJ?)

Las Vegas 51s (Pacific Coast League)
Oscar Goodman Bobblehead, July 18
I'm starting to get burned out on all these politically minded bobbleheads, but the 51s have a good one Saturday. The club will be distributing 2,500 dolls featuring Oscar Goodman, the 69-year-old mayor of Las Vegas. The leader of the Sin City is flanked by a cocktail-wielding showgirl, a scantily clad vixen with bombastic blue plumage sprouting out the back of her headdress (and yes, it's just her head that bobbles). Anywhere else, such an item would be viewed as satirical and edgy, a comment on the loose morals of today's political leaders. But in Vegas, it's just a way to celebrate the unique and anachronistic character of the city. Vegas wins.

Brooklyn Cyclones (New York-Penn League)
Bellies and Baseball -- Salute to Pregnancy, July 19
If you're looking to get pregnant, the Cyclones won't be able to help you. But if you are already pregnant, then boy (or girl), does the team have a great promotion for you. On Sunday, the team salutes expectant ladies thusly: There will be a pregame barefoot (and pregnant) walk around the bases, as well as a lamaze class. Women in their third trimester will throw out the first pitch, and a "craving station" concession stand will be set up on the concourse. Future dads compete in contests such as the "Trimester Tricycle Race," while the ladies will lead the crowd in the "Seventh-Inning Stretch(marks)". Finally, any woman who gives birth at the game receives lifetime season tickets. That's definitely something worth considering.

Toledo Mud Hens (International League)
Bad Hair Night w/ Comb Giveaway, July 21
The Mud Hens "Salute to Bad Hair" has nothing to do with substandard productions of iconic hippie musicals. Rather, it is a celebration of those who possess less-than-attractive hairdos. Fans will receive complimentary combs upon entering the ballpark, and throughout the evening follicle follies will be celebrated. A "Bad Hair Cam" will scour the field looking for those sporting out-of (and never-in) styles, and free hats will then be provided so that these poor souls may cover the offending area. All on-field contestants will compete while wearing wigs, and pictures of particularly offensive celebrities will be displayed on the videoboard. This will be a one-time only promotion, because you know what they say: "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow." Oh, jeez. I'm sorry.

Bonus Coverage -- A much-anticipated compendium of that which was neglected in last week's column.

CSI Night (State College Spikes, July 9) -- In which fans were presented a series of the clues in order to solve the mystery of "Who Stole the Mascot's Hat?".

Cow Appreciation Day (Greensboro Grasshoppers, July 10) -- If you can't show some love to a domesticated land mammal, then your powers of appreciation have evidently depreciated.

Punk Rocker Night (Lancaster JetHawks, July 10) -- At least this is better than "John Rocker Night."

Tommy Lasorda Number Retirement (Ogden Raptors, July 10) -- The Raptors retired No. 4 in honor of Lasorda's three-year stint as the club's manager in the mid-60s.

Mitch Berger Appearance (Vancouver Canadians, July 10) -- The punter for the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers showed up at a Minor League Baseball game in his hometown. But since he's named Berger, perhaps he would have been better off appreciating cows in Greensboro.

Renew Your Vows w/ Pastor Sick (Batavia MuckDogs, July 12) -- Because wouldn't you want to go to a MuckDogs game in order to renew your marital vows under the supervision of an unfortunately named team GM?

Rally Bloody Sock Giveaway (Lowell Spinners, July 14) -- Rumor has it that people are already Schilling these things on eBay.