Promo Watch: State College exposes the truth
The truth is out there, and the State College Spikes claim to have found it.The Class A Short Season affiliate of the St. Louis Cardinals hosts "Salute to Conspiracy Theories Night" on Wednesday. As the team explains in a recently declassified press release, this promotion is dedicated to nothing less
The truth is out there, and the State College Spikes claim to have found it.
The Class A Short Season affiliate of the St. Louis Cardinals hosts "Salute to Conspiracy Theories Night" on Wednesday. As the team explains in a recently declassified press release, this promotion is dedicated to nothing less than "exposing the truth behind the biggest secrets of our time."
During the game against the Williamsport Crosscutters ("so-called" affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies), the Spikes will suit up in conspiracy theory jerseys featuring the (possibly staged) 1969 moon landing on the front and the backpack of vanished sky pirate D.B. Cooper on the back. Cooper himself is somehow slated to deliver the ceremonial first-pitch balls, making this his first purported public appearance since disappearing in November 1971. These first-pitch balls will be thrown by mythic Mets fireballer Sidd Finch and bloody sock-wearing mascot Ike the Spike (channeling his inner Curt Schilling).
"[Cooper] is a tough get for anybody, but we just looked to the sky," said Spikes general manager Scott Walker. "If anyone can do it, it's our front-office staff."
Walker said "Salute to Conspiracy Theories Night" originated during an offseason brainstorming retreat, in which staff members came equipped with "bad idea shotguns." This particular idea eluded all efforts to shoot it down and, thus, entered the realm of the real.
"After we decided to do it, the date made itself evident," said Walker. "[July 19] falls between two historic dates in conspiracy theory history. July 18, 1938, is when the Navy called off its search for Amelia Earhart. July 20, 1969, is when we allegedly landed on the moon."
The Spikes' front office claims to be actively searching for Earhart, an effort led by team broadcaster and media relations director Joe Putnam. No stranger to intense investigations, Putnam happens to be a distant descendant of Earhart's husband, George Putnam.
"We have some clues but don't want to unearth any secrets in advance of the game," said Walker. "And we have all kinds of other stuff going on. We'll have Secret Service personnel guarding Ike's Kid's Zone, which is now Area 51 East. And our fun deck is in the Bermuda Triangle. Hopefully no 24-ounce beers will disappear."
Hardcore conspiracy theorists will have much to explore when it comes to the Spikes' theme jerseys, as each letter in the "Spikes" team name is laden with arcane symbolism. In describing the jerseys, Walker makes references -- including but not limited to -- secret societies, all-seeing eyes, hourglasses, crop circles and the Owl of Minerva.
Like any good conspiracy theory, this night at the ballpark will be as deep and all-encompassing as one is willing to make it.
"Bigfoot may or may not be on-hand," said Walker. "And Elvis may not have left this building quite yet."
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Coming Soon! There's nothing "alleged" about these upcoming promotions, which are all happening soon and documented with great acumen and veracity.
July 19: The Brooklyn Cyclones' "Villain Appreciation Night" is highlighted by the distribution of bobbleheads featuring Happy Gilmore's most dastardly character:
July 20: Michael "Grubes" Gruber, the Frisco RoughRiders' "Ambassador of Fun," is honored with a bobblehead of mythic proportions.
The Lowell Spinners' "Win, Dance, Repeat" bobblehead series kicks off with
July 21: The Daytona Tortugas, fresh off their celebration of Bob Ross, pay tribute to the life and legacy of sports broadcast reporter Craig Sager by donning appropriately outlandish theme jerseys.
The Lake County Captains, doing things their way, pay homage to Frank Sinatra.
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July 22: The Akron RubberDucks welcome Scrubs star Robert "The Todd" Maschio to the ballpark.
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The Bowling Green Hot Rods' "Bootleggers Night," winner of the 2016 Promo of the Year MiLBY Award, makes its triumphant and perhaps somewhat tipsy return. The first 500 fans of drinking age receive flasks.
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Ice hockey comedy classic The Mighty Ducks turns 25 this year. The Potomac Nationals are celebrating by welcoming Matt Doherty to the ballpark, and giving away bobbleheads featuring Doherty's "Lester Averman" Mighty Ducks character.
The Staten Island Yankees, one of (at least) six teams staging a Star Wars Night this week, are giving away Evil Empire capes to the most evil segment of their fan base: adults.
July 24: The New Hampshire Fisher Cats honor their all-time home run leader,
Benjamin Hill is a reporter for MiLB.com and writes Ben's Biz Blog. Follow Ben on Twitter @bensbiz.