Missive from Bads85: Hey There Bob: Eugene Needs You! (or Dolly)

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.

Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, Allan Benavides executed a command decision and hired Bads85 as a full-time employee with the Ems for 2023 and beyond. Only time will tell if this was a brilliant decision, or sheer folly. In the meantime, Bads85 continues to share missives.

Dear Bob Costas [2018 Ford C. Fricke Award Recipient]:

I must say I, along with the good people of Eugene, Oregon, are a bit disappointed that you have not responded to the Emeralds’ overtures to be the announcer for our 2023 Opening Night Gala. There are many announcers we could have invited, say like Jon Miller or Bob Uecker, but we chose you because we like the cut of your jib. Yet here we are, rapidly approaching the start of the holiday decorating season, and we have not heard from you. This cuts deep, Bob, like when one of our promotion ideas gets trashed at our staff meetings.

Perhaps you are daunted by working next to Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager & Home Announcer; Eugene Emeralds]. Yes, his reputation as the best announcer in the minors precedes him, but I can assure you he is the consummate professional, and will patiently adjust to any strides you must make on the MiLB learning curve. Behind that staunch professionalism is a jovial fellow, I assure you. It will be a kick in the pants to call a game with him.

Plus, you will be doing more than just calling the game on the field. We want you to read lyrics each inning from our fans’ favorite rock bands in that Hall of Fame voice of yours. For example, your rendering of Cracker’s “Hey Brett” would surely bring down the house.

“We live like serfs, in this new feudal land

We pay the bills and fight the wars

I ain't no wobbly, no pinko Commie

Let's start the end times right now!

Hey, Bret! You know what time it is?

Hey, Bret! You know what time it is?”

Or Springsteen’s “Thunder Road”. Or The Who’s “Baba O’Riley”

Bob, I am past the point of mincing words. Eugene needs you. Most importantly, I need you. As the new Director of Promotions, it is imperative the Ems sell out Opening Night to send a message that Eugene is indeed a fine baseball town, and I know what the hell I am talking about. You are sort of the lynchpin of this operation.

If you announce you are coming, the mayor will probably allow us to have a parade (I have not cleared that with her office yet). You can be the emcee of the parade and judge the floats. You can ride in a convertible provided by one of our auto sponsors, and wave to the adoring fans lining Coburg Road. Also, if you make the scene, we will have the leverage to get Bill Walton and Will Ferrell on later dates.

We have already signed the University of Oregon’s band to perform. Perhaps you have some drum major fantasies you have never been able to fully pursue. I am sure I can pull some strings, and get you one of those big batons, staff like things. We can get you a cool drum major hat, and you can wear it to any MiLB park you visit. Maybe a cape too. After all, you are Eugene’s hero.

I must tell you though, Bob, the natives are getting restless. People are starting to say your appearance can never happen. Some are saying “I don’t get it,” as if bringing a HOF baseball announcer to a game is a cosmic mystery. Others are saying that the Ems should be trying to get Dolly Parton to come to Eugene instead of wasting efforts to bring you here. While I still have faith you will appear, the quicker you make the announcement you will be coming to Eugene, the sooner I can tell the naysayers to go pound sand and finalize the promotion schedule.

Let’s get this done. Cement your legacy. Come to Eugene.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85