Missive from Bads85: Pyrotechnics, Park Music, and Fame...

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.

Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, Allan Benavides executed a command decision and hired Bads85 as a full-time employee with the Ems for 2023 and beyond. Only time will tell if this was a brilliant decision, or sheer folly. In the meantime, Bads85 continues to share missives.

Dear Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I must say I was a little sad that you left the office today without saying goodbye to me. We have experienced so much growth over the last three weeks that I thought we were past preoccupied forgetfulness. I understand though since you have so much on your plate with the almost certain arrival of Bob Costas in the spring. Plus, I was rather busy myself, and I really did not have time for one of your parables borne from the past. The future is now; let's stay in the present. I hate to sound callous, but wizened minor league road warriors like myself understand that Sentimental Street is a dead end alley. Still, you could have at least waved.

I know the beautiful city of Eugene has an ordinance that only allows us to have a fireworks promotion on the 4th of July, but is there any distinction between fireworks and pyrotechnics? I understand we cannot shoot exploding missiles into the night sky, but what about loud booms near the ground? Butane torches? Salamander canisters? Propane bunkers? Flame mortars? Bottle rockets? If things just happened to “accidentally” explode beyond the outfield wall, what would the city really say? Worst case scenario is one of our assistant general managers has to attend a safety class to learn how to properly store flammable materials.

I learned today that Kelly Keagy, the drummer of Night Ranger, was born in Eugene. The girl in "Sister Christian" is old enough to have taught middle school for thirty-three years, then retire to work in Minor League Baseball. Maybe we should invite Kelly to PK Park to throw out the first pitch, then ask him what the hell is “motorin’”, and what indeed was the price that girl paid for love. That reminds me; you and I are going to have to have a serious discussion soon about what music will be played at Emeralds’ games this year.

Do you think the university would have any qualms if I were to purchase and set up a shed to use as my secondary office for when I need some alone time? As you have probably deduced, it is not always easy being Bads85. Sure, there is a great deal of glamor, but that comes with a price. People often demand much of my time. Just today, some rather tall lad named Bo wanted my autograph outside our office.

When we approach the start of the season, the groupies will start coming out of the woodwork as they usually do. I would hate for this to distract from my fellow, hardworking employees. Having a place where I can just disappear for a bit would be beneficial to all. I am sure the satellite dish will not be unsightly.

I am going to head to bed now because morning comes early in Eugene even though the sun rises late.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85