Missive from Bads85: Christmas Parties, Moats, and The OSHA...

A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.

Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, Allan Benavides executed a command decision and hired Bads85 as a full-time employee with the Ems for 2023 and beyond. Only time will tell if this was a brilliant decision, or sheer folly. In the meantime, Bads85 continues to share missives.

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I believe the wonderful city of Eugene is now accepting me as a native son. People I have never seen before want to begin conversations with me all over town. Just tonight when I was at Jerry’s purchasing a plunger because my toilet lacks adequate flush power, an employee said, “You are Bads85! I will follow you anywhere! But first, explain the Emeralds’ recent Twitter infatuation with the iconic Bob Costas.”

My reply was simple: the new Twitter dude is quite deranged, a tortured soul caught in some sort of generational tug of war between the past and the future. However, Costas has made it quite clear on numerous occasions that he wants to spend his waning years calling minor league games, and the Ems’ have employed a full court press to bring him to PK Park this summer. Costas’s agent is being coy right now, but we should have a firm commitment by the winter holidays.

Speaking of the holidays, you still have not confirmed the date of the Emeralds’ Christmas party. I should not have to remind you that my social calendar is filling quickly, and I would hate to have to rescind my RSVP for Mayor Lucy Vinis big Festival of Lights. Word on the street is that she wants me to flip the switch that will spread cheer deep into the night. I hear the Rotarians and Kiwanis are fighting over whose car I will ride in at the Springfield Christmas parade.

When does Usher School start for the Ems? As a retired educator, I really think I should be the headmaster. It is never too early to begin teaching hospitality, plus it is not going to take some time for them to learn the rigorous song and dance routines I plan to implement this season. Forget barbershop quartet hats, vests, and show tunes though; our ushers will be in leather and studs, belting out Black Sabbath while pirouetting like the ballerinas they have always longed to be.

Will the new stadium have a moat? Draw bridges? Archer towers? Oil cauldrons? I am sure you are thinking, “My word, Bads85, we are building a baseball stadium, not a medieval castle!” Why not both, Allan? I think even the staunchest stadium critics will be grateful to have a place of safety for when the thundering orcs dance down from the hills to pillage our fair city.

Does OSHA frequently visit our office? Because right now we would be in jeopardy of failing even the most casual of inspections. The carpets are begging to be steam cleaned, and the toilet has a slow leak. Plus, there is stuff in that refrigerator that only should be touched if one is wearing a HAZMAT suit. As the new HR director, I feel compelled to tell you that your organization is ripe for an unsafe workplace complaint. I would suggest appeasing your staff with donuts. Maybe some tequila also.

I need to go. I am sure Bob Costas’s agent will be calling anytime now.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Did you ever notice the difference between “complaint” and “compliant” is just one vowel switch? Mind blown!